We Have a Winner!

Three million and ten of you submitted jokes as part of our most recent and excellent BRI contest. Thank you! You rock like Loverboy! (Did we just say that?) We have read all your submission and we have chosen a WINNER!

First things first: Kelli London submitted this:

I am not a jokester, however I would love a book and tshirt. Please please on my knees please.

That made us laugh very hard, Kelli! But you didn’t win.

Moving right along. Drum roll, acrobats, flying chihuahuas…

Two count-’em 2 submitters will receive consolation prizes because their submissions were just to darn good to ignore.

Consolation Prize #1 goes to:

Philip, for:

So there once was this bee that lived in a jungle. This was not your ordinary bee though-he was smart, philosophical even. One day he finally got fed up with his repetitive, insignificant life and decided that he would leave his hive, his family, his entire close-knit bee community and he would go out into the world and make something of himself, just like the humans do.
So the bee enrolls in school, and passes with flying colors. Remember, this is a very smart bee. He gets his high school diploma in a little under 3 years, with a 4.0 GPA and all that snazz. After high school, believe it or not, the bee gets accepted to Harvard. Harvard! This too proves to be no challenge for our hero, as he graduates in just two years, again a 4.0, on the Dean’s list, and all that snazz. Not to mention all the clubs and sports he was in-the newspaper, rowing, student government-and the fact that he was by far the most popular student on campus. Even his professors looked up to him.
He goes on to get two PhDs, and when he finishes his education, the bee faces a bit of a dilemma. How does he apply his knowledge now? Where does he go from here? He decides to try out politics. After all, he was popular throughout school, did well in Harvard government.
So he runs for mayor, and wins in a landslide. He greatly reforms the city, fixing virtually all its major problems. He runs for governor and again wins in a landslide. Two years later, the presidential election was coming up, and the bee decides he might as well go for it. Of course, he wins in the largest landslide in US presidential history.
His presidency goes exceedingly well-he is loved by all parties, and has the highest approval ratings in history. He also finds the cures for cancer, AIDS, and broken hearts while in the White House. After 8 years (yes, of course he was reelected) the time has come for him to leave his office. Even his successor his saddened by the bee’s departure, but they all know it’s what must be done.
Back at his vacation home in California his first day after leaving office, the bee looks back on his long and fruitful life. He realizes that he hasn’t been back to his hive at all since that first day he left. He suddenly feels a twang of guilt as he realizes how much he misses his parents and his little brother.
So he heads back to the hive, looking more worn out than he remembers. He goes inside and greets his family, who are overjoyed at the sight of him. He talks about how his life has gone as his family listens in wonderment. Eventually he decides he is thirsty, so he decides to visit the old watering hole he remembered.
Once he gets there though, there’s an extremely long line. He decides it’s worth the wait, so gets in line. One hour. Two hours. This is the slowest moving line he’s ever seen! Eventually he calculates that it could be a few days before he gets to the front of the line, so decides it’s not worth it.
He decides to go get some cider to drink instead, but waddya know, another huge line of people waiting for cider! He remembers one other drinking area that never had a long line-fruit punch! So he decides to go get punch. He arrives, and lo and behold, there’s no punch line.

Har-dee-har, Philaroono, har-dee-har.

Consolation Prize #2 goes to:

Sharon Squire, for:

Mr Whippy (who sells ice cream from a van) was found dead in his van. He was covered in fudge sauce, chocolate sprinkles, nuts, and chocolate.

The police investigated and concluded that he topped hmself.

Love it, Sharon! Short, sweet, and macabre. Right up our alley. You and Philip have won an Uncle John’s 24-Karat Gold Bathroom Reader! Congrats, and enjoy!

And now the movement you’ve all been waiting for (ew), our GRAND PRIZE WINNER IS…

Kathy Gregersen, for this little beauty:

A very thirsty man goes into a bar. As he’s sitting down, he hears the man next to him tell the bartender, “I’ll have another Waterloo.”

The bartender gives the fellow a tall, well-iced drink, then asks the newcomer what he would like to drink. Thinking the other man’s drink may be a specialty of the house, he says, “I’ll have a Waterloo, too.”

The bartender gives him the tall, well-iced drink, and the customer takes a big drink.

“Hey,” he says, “this isn’t any good. It tastes just like water!”

The man next to him looks at the bartender and says, “Well, it is water. Right, Lou?”

GAAAAH. Thank you, Kathy, that made us all laugh harder than it should have, and in that groany, “should have seen than coming!” kind of way. You are our GRAND PRIZE WINNER, and are thereby entitled to a UJ 24-Karat Gold BR, as well as a very spiffy t-shirt, if we do say so ourselves. And we do. A lot. Too much , really. We should shut up about that. But we won’t. Alas.

Thank for playing everyone!

[this post has been edited to fix errors]